My Angel...

She is my angel on earth..
I don't have any particular reason to call her that, after all It's only in my mind&imagination.

My only motive to call her my angel is that I don’t want people have an easy guess ( so that important)

All I can describe about my angel is that she has cynical but warm smile, caring gaze, sweetness in her voice, sympathetic response, modest demeanor, definite stride, distinct vision about her future, …. and she has walked me through my rough time, without even notice
Above all, I think she's quite different from any perspective that I have had.

I'm not in love with her (yet), still I admire her as she has been an inspiration.

a curse ?

As I wandered and watching you
I felt my heart was pounding,

And then In that night when I was sitting at my room , I felt an incisive pressure on my chest
but then I thought it was only in my mind

I want to carry on as if nothing ever happen
And then I realize,
i have to live my life with a burden of a curse

A curse, to love and not to be loved (yet..)

Mysteries...

When i was musing about something,about fate, about destiny, about the past,.
my mind sometimes tries to grab and dig my deepest memories and when it came up, i tried to think about it all over again, measuring all step that i've taken, and imagining what would happen if i've choosen the other option .
Was something good and nice would happen to me?, Could i avoid bad events? Could i even prevent something bad to happen?, or could i avoid disappointing people? Could i be a better man then than me right now?

i kept thinking, ,
nearly come to a conclusion and taking justification. "hey,, it's not my decision after all , , it has been written for me that i have to choose and conduct those measure, and now i am just have to accept it and live with something that given to me".

later on ,I am aware of that sometimes memories are better left forgotten
and maybe some mysteries are better left unsolved.
Then again, conflict rise within my heart and mind.. about my fate, about my destiny, will i keep it this way, like who i am right now,...hmmm..

i remember about a verse..

"For each (such person) there are (angels) in succession, before and behind him: They guard him by command of Allah. Allah does not change a people's lot unless they change what is in their hearts. But when (once) Allah willeth a people's punishment, there can be no turning it back, nor will they find, besides Him, any to protect". (Q.S 13 : 11)


then again, there won't be any change for myself, if i didn't give it a try .
questions appear again in my mind ....
how far would i change my hearts?
how distinct would i want to change my hearts?
how big is my desire to change my hearts ?

Story of Life ...

Each story has a beginning.
Each life has meaning and purpose.

My story of life has its beginning too, which I haven't realize when it starts.
My life has its own meaning and purpose, which I haven't clearly understood its meaning & purpose.
All the step I'd taken , All the choice I'd made, it seems all wrong ..
I feel that I haven't been able to decide the exact choice for my life, and yet I'm still trying to figure out which is which.
I'm always hoping that I could get to do things right and got the chance to really understand the meaning & purpose of my life before my time.

Mind & Thought..

Hmmm. I shouldn't have think about it in the first place , .
I have no idea, what have gotten into me, they've said that "Mind over matter" for what I've known the point is to use my mind , my own thought to convince my self that things are going to get better, that there is nothing to think so hardly,
but sometimes I just want to run away from those things, maybe it’s only a way to protect myself from having to face it, to face it really makes me feel nauseous .
And again facing the fact that I don’t have a clue what to do in the situation, still it seems that everybody tried to push me over the limit which I couldn't handle it to myself.
Anyway (perhaps) I understand what they're up to,
yet I still couldn’t help my self to it.

answer over questions

At the moment, when i'm living my life, there always different ways to choose my life path whether its normal or peculiar.
Every things that come up has become part of my life, the courisity within myselves make me want to know about everything, every detail for a matter, explanation on things,.
but eventually every time i look for answers i'm only finding more questions....
an answer that only meet another question.

when will i be satisfied?
when will i find the satisfaction?
when will i feel enough ?
will death satisfy my thirst for answer?

I'm hoping to find the right answer.
I'm hoping to do the right action
I'm praying to be always in His guidance.

Check-check

Check-check....
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